An idea for restaurant ratings guides

If I were to make a restaurant rating guide, or maybe even a restaurant review program, I would assign three people to each restaurant. One is your typical food critic, dressed nice in a suit and tie, and ready to take on the special on the menu and give his thoughts on how “the barley garnish complements the overall essence of the meal” and all those fantastical, fruit-filled comments that those guys are wont to say. You know, the traditional stuffed-shirt, silver fox food critic.

The next guy is a really unkempt, egregious, carnivorous, swamp creature of a man wearing a Tommy Bahama polo, slacks from Loudmouth Golf, socks and sandals….hell, maybe even a pith helmet, looking for the cheapest thing on the menu. He’ll be incredibly difficult to deal with, he won’t care about the presentation, he’ll tear things apart on the plate with his hands, and he’ll be a sweaty individual who’ll ask for countless moist towelettes. And he will tip like SHIT. I mean it, he’ll give you 5%, maybe 8%, which depends on how many towelettes you bring. (To those objecting to the tipping part, don’t worry, the production team will pay for the rest, so relax)

Finally, the last critic is someone religious, who isn’t able to consume certain foods for religious reasons. A very nice, sensible, and polite person, but with limitations (like being a vegan, or not drinking alcohol). I have a feeling that this would really test the actual merit of a restaurant – not just serving some higher-class douchebags who debate about the texture of risotto for a living, and assigning three stars to a restaurant. The idea is to have one person be the ideal person to serve, the next testing the boiling point for a restaurant, and the third really testing the variety of the menu, because honestly, for most of the three-star restaurants out there, they don’t know how to handle the second and third types I have listed here, and they get really bitchy when it doesn’t abide. A restaurant should be rating on atmosphere and service, sure, but it should also be judged on the entirety of the menu. If someone isn’t being accommodated (like me, who bears a multitude of food allergies), chances are, there’s going to be another person that won’t be accommodated further along the line. A shitty restaurant won’t be able to accommodate everyone, and this needs to change.

They say that you can’t please everyone. Why not?

    • Ivy
    • April 13th, 2012

    A most excellent idea.

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